For A
person who has been abused, intimacy is often very difficult. Intimacy requires
trust, and once the trust factor has been destroyed, it must be restored before
intimacy will be comfortable.
Since people always hurt people, we cannot depend on others never to
hurt us. I cannot tell you, "Just trust people; they won't hurt you."
They may not intend to hurt you, but we may as well face the reality that
people hurt people.
As I have
already mentioned, my husband is a wonderful, kind, easygoing man; yet, there
are times when he hurts me, just as there are times when I hurt him. Even
people who love each other very much sometimes hurt and disappoint each other.
It took many years before I was comfortable being intimate with my
husband and could honestly say that I enjoyed our sex life. I was so fearful of
being hurt and taken advantage of that I could not relax. My basic attitude
was, "If we must do this, then let's just get it over with, so I can
forget it and go on to something else." Of course, my husband could sense
my attitude, even though I tried to hide my true feelings and pretend that I
enjoyed our sexual relationship. My attitude made Dave feel rejected.
Had he not been a mature Christian who had some discernment from the
Lord about what was going on in me, my attitude could have done severe damage
to his concept of himself as a man, let alone as a husband. He once said to me,
"If I were depending on you to tell me what kind of a man I am, I would be
in serious trouble."
I am
grateful that the Lord gave me a mature Christian man for my husband. I am
grateful that I did not destroy him while I was being healed. So often,
troubled people marry troubled people. After they have destroyed each other,
their problems are transferred to their children, who in turn become the next
generation of troubled, tormented people.
For many
years I evaded the issue. Deep down inside I knew that I needed to deal with my
attitude regarding sex and intimacy, but I continued to put it off month after
month, year after year. Do you have a tendency to put off things that God is
trying to get you to deal with? We do that because some issues are too painful
even to think about, much less go through.
Finally,
I made the decision to stop procrastinating and to face the truth. In this
situation the truth was as follows: (1) I had a problem, but I was punishing
Dave for it. (2) He had been very patient with me, but it was time for me to
deal with my problem. (3) As long as I continued to behave as I did, the devil
would continue to defeat me because I was allowing
my past to affect my present and
my future. (4) Putting off dealing with the problem would be nothing more than
direct disobedience to the Holy Spirit.
Of course, I was very much afraid; I did not even know how to begin. I
remember crying out to God, "But how can You expect me to trust Dave? What
if he takes advantage of me? Or what if . . ." The devil never runs out of
"what ifs."
I
specifically remember the Lord saying to me, "I am not asking you to trust
Dave; I am asking you to trust Me." This put a totally different
perspective on the situation. It was easier for me to trust God than people, so
that is where I started. I simply committed to do whatever the Lord showed me
in my heart I was to do and to trust Him with my feelings about it. For
example: I always wanted the lights out while Dave and I made love. I recall
that in my heart I came to realize that I should leave them on, and so I did.
That was difficult, but once I did it a few times, it got easier and easier.
Now I am free to leave the lights on or turn them off; it does not matter
anymore because I am not hiding from anything.
Another
example: I never would approach Dave to show any interest in having sex with
him. There were times when I desired him; my physical body had a need, but I
would not approach him. I began to realize that when I felt that I wanted him,
I needed to take some action to let him know. This was
particularly difficult for me because I always felt that sex was wrong
or dirty, because that was the way it had been initially presented to me in my
childhood.
My first sexual experiences were perverted, so my attitude toward sex
was perverted. Mentally, I knew that sex was originally God's idea, but I could
not seem to get past my feelings. Once again, taking "obedient
action" broke the bondage, and now I am free in this area also.
Please understand that when the Holy Spirit is prompting you to do
something, He is doing it to help you, to bless you, and to set you free in
some way. The Holy Spirit is the Helper and only has your good in mind. People
may hurt you, but God will not. Some of the things He leads you through may
hurt for a while, but God ultimately will work them for your good.
As I
continued this process of choosing to do what the Lord was showing me, I
enjoyed progressive freedom, and so will you. There were many instances too
numerous to mention here, but I think you understand what I am talking about.
You will have your own situations to face, and the Holy Spirit will walk you
through your healing process concerning intimacy and trust. Refuse to live the
rest of your life in a prison of suspicion and fear!
Trust The Lord
I know I have said this in other places in this book, but I feel
prompted to say it again. The main thing that helped me this area of trust, as
well as in other areas, was simply to realize that God is not asking us to put
our trust in people, but Him.
We can also learn to trust people in a balanced way. If' get out of
balance, we will get hurt. Often, God uses these situations to teach us the
wisdom of keeping relationships balance.
In dealing with this issue, I
often look to Jeremiah 17:
Thus says
the Lord: Cursed [with great evil] is the strong man who trusts in and relies on
frail man, making weak [human] flesh his arm, and whose mind and heart turn
aside from the Lord. For he shall be like a shrub or a person naked and
destitute in the desert; and he shall not see any good come, but shall dwell in
the parched places in the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land. (was. 5-6)
Think about these verses. They say bluntly that we are going to find
curses (trouble) if we give man the trust the rightfully belongs to the Lord.
The arm of the flesh mentioned here can be referring to trusting self as well
as trusting others. When I look to myself to meet my needs, I fail; and when I
look to others to meet my needs, they fail me. The Lord requires that He be
allowed to meet our needs. When we look to the Lord, He often uses people to meet
our needs, but we are looking to and depending on Him-not the
And now the good news: "[Most] blessed is the man who believes in,
trusts in, and relies on the Lord, and whose hope and confidence the Lord is.
(v. 7)"
There
were times in the past when I would feel discouraged and get angry at the
people around me because they were not giving me the encouragement I needed. As
a result, I would have a resentful attitude of self-pity that my family and
others could not understand. It certainly did not result in having my needs met
because I was looking to people when I should have been looking to God.
The Lord taught me that when I needed encouragement, I should ask Him
for it. As I learned to do that, I discovered that He would provide the needed
encouragement through the source He chose. I learned that it was not necessary
for me to put pressure on relationships in an effort to get from people what
only God could give me. The next verse in this passage announces the hope that
we have if we put our trust in God:
For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters that spreads out its
roots by the river; and it shall not see and fear when heat comes; but its leaf
shall be green. It shall not be anxious and full of care in the year of
drought, nor shall it cease yielding fruit, (v. 8)
This verse assures us that as we place our trust in God instead of the
frail arm of the flesh, we will become stable. I emphasize this word because it
is very important to our discussion. There can never be any real enjoyment in
life without a sense of stability. Let these verses encourage you to place your
trust in God and not in people. Do not look to others to meet your needs; look
to God. Anything people may do to you, God can fix.
One final thought concerning intimacy. God has created all of us to
thoroughly enjoy one another. In particular, the Bible says that a husband and
wife should enjoy each other, as written in Proverbs 5:18, "Let your
fountain [of human life] be blessed [with the rewards of fidelity], and rejoice
in the wife of your youth."
Part of
enjoying your spouse and your marriage is enjoying intimacy. Take a step of
faith and realize that fear of being hurt is hurting you more than facing that
fear and finding freedom. Trust God with the people in your life. You may not
be able to handle them, but He is able.
The Importance Of Balance In Relationships
Ask yourself if you have any relationships that are out of balance. Is
there anyone in your life on whom you are depending too much? When you have
problems, do you run to the throne or the phone? Are you looking to people to
keep you happy, or are
I recall
a time when I was attacked by fear that something might happen to my husband. I
began thinking,What would I do if Dave died?It was a panic-filled type of
thinking, which was unusual for me. I had never even considered what I would do
if Dave should die before I did. Like most women who have good marriages, I
depend on my husband a lot. Dave is good to me, and as I thought of all the
things he does for me, I became more and more panic-stricken. Then the Lord
spoke this to me in the depths of my heart: "Joyce, if Dave died, you
would keep on doing exactly what you are doing. It is not Dave who is upholding
you and causing you to do what you are doing, it is Me; so put your trust in
Me, where it belongs. Trust Dave, but do not get out of balance."
One final example I would like to share with you concerns a certain
friendship and working relationship in my life. Sexual intimacy is not the only
kind of intimacy that needs to be restored to wounded people. Those who have
been abused often experience difficulty in maintaining any type of
relationship. Their marriage relationship is affected, and Satan also seeks to
use their hurts and disappointments to ruin all their close relationships.
Like many others in the world, not only was I abused in my early years
at home, but even after I had gotten away from that situation, I continued to
be easily hurt by nearly everyone I encountered. When
I finally got married and joined the church, I thought that surely
church people would not hurt me. I soon discovered, however, that the pain did
not stop just because I was a church member. In fact, in some instances, it
became more severe. The result for me was that I did not trust men because it
was a man who had hurt me, which affected my marital intimacy. I had also been
hurt severely by friends and relatives at various times, so I honestly was
afraid to trust anyone.
As the
years went by and Dave and I got involved in full-time ministry, a couple came
to work for us who were definitely sent by the Lord. They were anointed by God
to be "armor-bearers" for us. That means that they prayed for us
regularly; they worked side by side with us, and were available to do whatever
needed to be done, whenever it needed to be done. They were very good to us,
and they made our lives a lot easier. The scope of our ministry would have been
much different if we had not had this wonderful couple, or someone like them,
to help us. Because of the years of hurt I had experienced, I did not open my
heart too readily, but as time passed, I came to trust these people very much
and to depend on them quite heavily.
One day I read the scripture in which the psalmist said, "Even my
own familiar friend, in whom I trusted (relied on and was confident), who ate
of my bread, has lifted up his heel against me" (Psalm 41:9). I knew that
verse applied to me and began to wonder
who the Lord was warning me about. I knew He was trying to show me
something, because I kept supernaturally coming across the same scripture
repeatedly. I was convinced that God was saying something. I began to wonder if
He was showing me that it was this couple who was going to hurt me., ^
Finally,
the Lord made Himself clear enough for me to understand that He was just
warning me not to let our relationship get out of balance. He taught me that we
could have a close relationship, enjoy years of faithful, loyal service, and
produce a lot of good fruit for His kingdom. But I was being specifically
warned not to put a trust in them that belongs only to Him. He let me know that
He had brought that couple into my life, and He could certainly take them away,
which He would do if I put my eyes on them as my source of help instead of
keeping my trust in Him.
Even intimacy in a good friendship is scriptural, but it must not get
out of balance. Think of David and Jonathan. The Bible says, "The soul of
Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own
life" (1 Samuel 18:1). They helped each other and enjoyed covenant
relationship. Good friendship is very important, but so is balance. I stress
the importance of balance because the apostle Peter says, "Be well
balanced . . . for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion
roaring [in fierce hunger], seeking someone to seize upon and devour" (1
Peter 5:8). Stay in balance, and the devil
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