Shame
causes self-rejection and, in some cases, self-hatred. In more extreme cases,
it can develop into self-abuse, including self-mutilation. I have ministered to
several people who have shown me scars on their bodies from their cutting,
burning, or biting themselves, as well as bruises from their beating or hitting
themselves, and bald spots from their pulling out their own hair. Some people
even starve themselves as a form of punishment. Others behave in an obnoxious
manner so they will be rejected. Since they have rejected themselves, they are
convinced that others will also reject them, so they manifest behavior in
accordance with what they believe about themselves. The list of potential
problems goes on and on, but I am sure you see the point I am making:
You cannot get beyond your own opinion of yourself-no matter how many
good things God may say about you in His Word. Regardless of all the wonderful
plans God may have for your life, none of them will come to pass without your
cooperation. You need to believe what God says.
Accept God's Opinion Of You
If you are seeking recovery from abuse, you must not allow other
people's opinions of you, as evidenced by the way you have been mistreated in
the past, to determine your worth. Remember, people who feel worthless always
try to find something wrong with you so they can feel a little better about
themselves. Keep in mind that this is their problem, not yours.
In John 3:18, the Lord Jesus states that no one who believes in Him will
ever be rejected by Him or His heavenly Father. If God accepts you because of
your faith in His Son Jesus Christ, then you can stop rejecting yourself and
let your healing process continue.
It may be that you are not totally rejecting yourself, but only parts of
yourself that are displeasing to you. In my own case, I rejected my
personality. I did not understand that I had a divine calling on my life to
full-time ministry and that God designed my basic temperament for what He had
for me to do.
My personality was flawed, of course, due to the years of abuse I had
suffered, and was in need of Holy Spirit adjustment, but it was still the basic
personality that God had chosen for me. However, because I did not understand
that fact, I thought I had to become totally different. I was constantly trying
to be someone else, which was not God's will for me-nor is it His will that you
become someone else.
Remember: God will help you be all you can be -all you were originally
designed to be. But He will never permit you to be successful at becoming
someone else.
The Spirit-Controlled Temperament
Perhaps you have observed another persona friend or a spiritual leader
-and said, "He is the way people ought to be" or "She is liked
and accepted by everyone."You may have even tried to be like that
individual without consciously planning to do so.
Of course, other people can be good examples to us, but even if we
pattern ourselves after their good qualities, it must still be our own personal
"flavor" of those good traits that characterizes us.
I have a
bold, straightforward, decisive, take -charge personality. God instilled that
type of nature in me to help me fulfill His call upon my life. However, for
many, many years I struggled and lived in frustration because I kept trying to
be more timid, mild, gentle, quiet, and sweet. I tried desperately not to be so
assertive and aggressive.
The truth is that I vainly tried to model myself after my pastor's wife,
my husband, and various friends whom I respected and admired. My efforts only
resulted in increased frustration, which made me even more difficult to get
along with. I needed to learn to quit trying to be like others and simply
become "the best me I could
be." Yes, I did need change. I did need more of the fruit of the
Spirit-especially kindness, gentleness, and meekness-because I was too hard,
harsh, and abrasive. But once I learned to accept my basic, God-given temperament,
then I was able to let the Holy Spirit begin to change me into what He wanted
me to be.
Once we
quit striving to be like others, then the Spirit is able to use our strengths
and to control our weaknesses. Then we begin to develop a
"Spirit-controlled temperament." This temperament is explained in
Galatians 5:22-25:
But the fruit of the [Holy] Spirit [the work which His presence within
accomplishes] is love, joy (gladness), peace, patience (an even temper,
forbearance), kindness, goodness (benevolence), faithfulness,Gentleness
(meekness, humility), self-control (self- restraint, continence). Against such
things there is no law [that can bring a charge].
And those who belong to Christ Jesus (the Messiah)
have crucified the flesh (the godless human nature) with its passions and
appetites and desires.
If we live by the [Holy] Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. [If by
the Holy Spirit we have our life in God, let us go forward walking in line, our
conduct controlled by the Spirit.]
Many years have passed since I
finally learned that I
had to accept and love myself, not hate and reject myself. I have since
discovered the secret to developing the Spirit-controlled temperament. The key
is spending quality personal time with the Lord and receiving help from Him on
a regular basis.
Strengthened In The Inner Man
I still have weaknesses in my natural man; however, as long as I abide
in the Lord, seeking Him first, He continually imparts to me the power I need
to manifest my strengths and not my weaknesses.
The apostle Paul prayed that the believers would be strengthened
"in the inner man," that the Holy Spirit would indwell their
innermost being and personality:
May He
grant you out of the rich treasury of His glory to be strengthened and
reinforced with mighty power in the inner man by the [Holy] Spirit [Himself
indwelling your innermost being and personality].May Christ through your faith
[actually] dwell (settle down, abide, make His permanent home) in your hearts!
May you be rooted deep in love and founded securely on love,
That you may have the power and be strong to apprehend and grasp with
all the saints [God's devoted people, the experience of that love] what is the
breadth and length and height and depth [of it];
[That you may really come] to know [practically, through experience for
yourselves] the love of Christ, which far surpasses mere knowledge [without
experience]; that you may be filled [through all your being] unto all the
fullness of God [may have the richest measure of the divine Presence, and
become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself]! (Ephesians 3:16-19)
This is our great need, to be strengthened in our "inner man"
by the presence of God Himself. God told Paul, "My grace (My favor and
loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and
enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made
perfect (fulfilled and completed)and show themselves most effective in [your]
weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9).
God's strength is made perfect in our weakness. This means that when we
are weak in a certain area, we do not have to hate or reject ourselves because
of it. Like Paul, we have the great privilege of admitting our weaknesses and
asking the Holy Spirit to control them.
In my flesh, I still have a tendency to be sharp, rude, and blunt. By
the grace, strength, and power of the Lord, however, I am able to manifest
"the fruit of the Spirit" and to be kind, pleasant, understanding,
and longsuffering.
That does not mean that I never fail. Like everyone else, I slip and
make mistakes. But I have come to understand that I do not have to be perfect
in order to receive acceptance, love, and help from the Lord. Neither do you.
God is for you! He wants you to be for you. The devil is against you, and he
wants you to be against you.
Are you for yourself or against yourself? Are you cooperating with God's
plan for your life, or with the devil's plan for you? Are you in agreement with
God or with the enemy?
Accepted In The Beloved
God chose us as His beloved, adopted children, setting us apart as His
own:
Even as
[in His love] He chose us [actually picked us out for Himself as His own] in
Christ before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy (consecrated
and set apart for Him)' and blameless in His sight, even above reproach, before
Him in love.
For He foreordained us (destined us, planned in love for us) to be
adopted (revealed) as His own children through Jesus Christ, in accordance with
the purpose of His will [because it pleased Him and was His kind intent]- [So
that we might be] to the praise and the commendation of His glorious grace
(favor and mercy), which He so freely bestowed on us in the Beloved. (Ephesians
1:4-6)
In Exodus 19:5, the Lord tells His people that they are His own
"peculiar possession and treasure." That word applies to us today as
much as it did to the children of Israel. In John 3:18, Jesus told Nicodemus
that no one who believes in Him will ever be condemned (rejected). You may not
feel treasured, or even acceptable, but you are. In Ephesians 1:6 kjv, Paul
says that all of us who believe in Christ have been "accepted in the
beloved." That should give us a sense of personal value and worth. I
remember standing in a prayer line where I overheard a woman next to me telling
the pastor who was ministering to her how much she hated and despised herself.
The pastor became very firm with her and in a strong manner rebuked her,
saying, "Who do you think you are? You have no right to hate yourself. God
paid a high price for you and your freedom. He loved you so much that He sent
His only Son to die for you . . . to suffer in your place. You have no right to
hate or reject yourself. Your part is to receive what Jesus died to give
you!"
The woman was shocked. I was shocked too, just listening. Yet sometimes
it takes a strong word to get us to realize the trap that Satan has set for us.
Self-rejection and self-hatred can almost seem pious in a sense. They
can become a way of punishing ourselves for our mistakes, failures, and
inabilities. We cannot be perfect, so we reject and despise ourselves.
I ask you to think of these prophetic words in Isaiah 53:3, which
describe our Lord Jesus Christ: "He was despised and rejected and forsaken
by men, a Man of sorrows and pains, and acquainted with grief and sickness; and
like One from Whom men hide their faces He was despised, and we did not
appreciate His worth or have any esteem for Him."
Do you lack appreciation for your own value and worth? Surely, you are
valuable; otherwise your heavenly Father would not have paid such a heavy price
for your redemption.
Isaiah
53:4-5 goes on to say that Christ "has borne our griefs (sicknesses,
weaknesses, and distresses) and carried our sorrows and pains [of punishment],
yet we [ignorantly] considered Him stricken, smitten, and afflicted by God [as
if with leprosy]. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for
our guilt and iniquities; the chastisement [needful to obtain] peace and
well-being for us was upon Him, and with the stripes [that wounded] Him we are
healed and made whole."The "healing package" purchased by Jesus
with His blood is available to all who will believe and receive. That package
includes the healing of the emotions as well as the body. If a person has done
wrong, justice demands rejection, despising, and condemnation. However, Jesus
bore all that for us, just as He bore our sins. What a glorious truth!
Since Jesus bore your sins on the
cross, along with the hatred, rejection, and condemnation they deserved, you do
not have to reject or hate yourself anymore.
The day I started our ministry, I asked God, "What do You want me
to teach at the first meeting?"
He said, "I want you to tell My people that I love them."
I argued,
"Oh, I want a message of power." That's what I said! I wanted to be
God's woman of power for the hour. I wanted something that would just stun
people with great revelation. I said, "Everybody knows You love them. I
can't go preach John 3:16."
He said,
"No, very few of My people know that I love them. If they did, they would
act a whole lot different than what they do."
The Bible says, "There is no fear in love [dread does not exist],
but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels
every trace of terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and
[so] he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love [is not yet
grown into love's complete perfection]. We love Him,because He first loved
us" (1 John 4:18-19). I understood that if God's people knew how much He
loved them, they would not be fearful. If they knew the love of God, they would
not run from Him, they
So for a
year after that first teaching, I meditated on the love of God. I would drive
in my car saying, "God loves me. God loves me. He loves me, me. The
Creator of the universe loves me." The first book that I wrote was a
result of spending this year of focus on God's love. It is called Tell
Them I Love Them. Once you understand that God loves you, you can love
yourself in a balanced way. Look at yourself in the mirror and say to yourself,
"God loves you." Receive and accept yourself; tell yourself
frequently, "I accept you."
After saying, "You shall love the Lord your God," Jesus added,
"You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment
greater than these" (Mark 12:30-31). If you cannot get along with or love
yourself, you will find it too difficult to get along with or love anyone else.
Let the healing love of God do a work in your life.
Give yourself a hug sometimes, simply as a reminder that God loves you,
and therefore you are lovable. Wrap your arms around yourself and say: "I
no longer reject myself! Instead, I accept myself in Christ. I love myself, not
selfishly but in a balanced way. I am not perfect, but with the help of the
Lord I am improving day by day."
What About Rejection From Others?
Most likely, sooner or later, you will experience some form of
rejection. Not everybody will like you. Some people may even aggressively
dislike you. It is extremely helpful that you develop a mature attitude in this
area.
We know that Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favor with
God and man (see Luke 2:52). In my own case, I ask God for favor with Him and
with people, and I believe that He provides it. I suggest that you do the same.
Here is a prayer to help you achieve an acceptable attitude:
Today,
Lord, I am going to do my best, with Your help, and for Your glory. I realize
that there are many different people in the world with a variety of opinions
and expectations. I probably will not please all of them all of the time. I
will concentrate on being a God-pleaser and not a self-pleaser or a
man-pleaser. The rest I leave in Your hands, Lord. Grant me favor with You and
with men, and continue transforming me into the image of Your dear Son. Thank
You, Lord. No one enjoys being rejected, but all of us can learn to handle
rejection and get on with our lives, if we remember that Jesus was also
rejected and despised. He gained the victory over rejection by being faithful
to God's plan for His life.
Rejection from other people wounds our emotions. It certainly hurts, and
yet, for our own sake, we must remember that, if we are born again, the Helper
(the Holy Spirit) lives in us to strengthen, under-gird, and
I think we spend valuable time and energy trying to avoid being
rejected. We become "pleasers of men" (see Ephesians 6:6; Colossians
3:22). After all, we reason, if we can keep everyone else happy, they will not
reject us.
To avoid pain, some of us build walls around ourselves so we will not
get hurt, but that is pointless. God has shown me that it is impossible to live
in this world if we are not willing to get hurt. People are not perfect;
therefore they hurt and disappoint us, just as we hurt and disappoint others.
I have a
wonderful husband, but occasionally he has hurt me. Because I came from such a
painful background, the moment that kind of thing happened, I used to put up
walls to protect myself. After all,I reasoned,no one can hurt me if I don't let
anyone get close to me. However, I learned that if I wall others out, I also
wall myself in. The Lord has shown me that He wants to be my Protector, but He
cannot do that if I am busy trying to protect myself. He has not promised that
I will never get hurt, but He has promised to heal me if I come to Him rather
than try to take care of everything myself.
If you build walls around yourself out of fear, then you must tear them
down out of faith. Go to Jesus with each old wound and receive His healing
grace. When someone hurts you, take that new wound to
Jesus. Do not let it fester. Take
it to the Lord and be willing to handle it His way and not your own.
Receive
this scripture as a personal promise from the Lord to you: "For I will
restore health to you, and I will heal your wounds, says the Lord, because they
have called you an outcast, saying, This is Zion, whom no one seeks after and
for whom no one cares!" (Jeremiah 30:17).
Confess with the psalmist: "Although my father
and my mother have forsaken me, yet the Lord will take me up [adopt me as His
child]" (Psalm 27:10).
With the help of the Lord, you can survive
rejection and find your completion "in Him."
No comments:
Post a Comment