CHAPTER EIGHT Parents Are People Too!

CHAPTER EIGHT

Parents Are People Too!

Thus far in this book I have been speaking to teenagers, but in this final chapter I would like to talk to adults.

God created every teen (as well as every adult) to live a wonderful, successful, joy-filled life. But as we have seen, teens are under a great deal of pressure these days. Constant bombardment with negative feedback from adults adds to this pressure and often makes it difficult for teenagers to make right choices.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

God has purposely placed our children in our life so that we can train them in the way they should go ….

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

God has purposely placed our children in our life so that we can train them in the way they should go,1 yet the teen years can be challenging for both age groups. While it is necessary for us as parents to set

boundaries for them, it is also necessary for us to make a special effort to show them unconditional love and respect.

You as parents can reach your teenagers with unconditional love, not judgment and criticism. We always love the person, but not necessarily their actions. Love can heal and change them.

Love for your teenager can be demonstrated in a variety of ways. For example, you can spend more time together as a family. This will enable you to develop healthy communication with them and show them how to draw upon God to meet their needs. Telling is not as effective as showing. Be a good example.

If you are already doing this kind of thing, don't stop. If you are not, I encourage you to start now. You may not see a change at first, but your persistence could be the very thing that keeps your teenager from becoming another teen statistic.

“What Is Wrong with These Kids Today?”

The following material is a list of statistics concerning teenage violence, suicide, pregnancy and substance abuse.

Usually when we adults read these types of statistics, our immediate thought is, These teenagers today

sure are causing a lot of trouble, or, What is wrong with these kids today? I think it is time we look for the root of the problem and stop judging all young people by the fruit we see in the lives of some teenagers.

There is a reason for such widespread serious problems, and we will never get to the truth without being willing to look at ourselves also. Where have adults, the government and society in general failed? What is the real cause of statistics like these:

Teen Violence

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reported that:2

•  In 1997, 18.3 percent of high school students nationwide carried a weapon (gun, knife or club) during the thirty days preceding the survey.

•  7.4 percent of high school students were threatened or injured with a weapon on school property in 1997 during the twelve months preceding the survey.

•  Homicide is the second leading cause of death for persons 15-24 years of age.

•  The rate of homicide among males ages 15-19 was 22.6 percent in 1997.

•  36.6 percent were in a physical fight during 1997.

•  6,146 young people ages 15-24 were victims of homicide in 1997.This amounts to an average of 17 youth homicide victims per day in the U.S.

•  85 percent of homicide victims ages 15-19 were killed with a firearm in 1997.

The Center for the Prevention of School Violence — North Carolina Department of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention says that:3

•  Elementary school students are just as likely as those in secondary schools to be the victim [sic] of a violent act. (The Metropolitan Life Survey of the American Teacher, 1999: Violence in America's Public Schools — Five Years Later, Metropolitan Life, 1999)

•  Peer group pressure is cited by 50 percent of seventh through twelfth graders as a major factor in why violence occurs in schools. Drugs or alcohol is cited by 39 percent; lack of parental supervision is cited by 36 percent; and lack of family involvement by 25 percent. (The Metropolitan Life Survey of the American Teacher, 1999: Violence in America's Public Schools — Five Years Later, Metropolitan Life, 1999)

•  The juvenile gang problem affects communities of all sizes and all regions in the U. S. with the number of gang members rising in small cities and rural counties in the late 1990s. (OJJDP Research: Making a Difference for Juveniles, Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, 1999)

•  The violent victimization rate for students in schools where gangs were reported was almost 8 percent compared to the 3 percent rate for students in schools with no reported gang presence. (Juvenile Offenders and Victims: 1999 National Report, Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, 1999)

•  Violent crimes by juveniles peak in the afternoon between 3 P.M. and 4 P.M., the hour at the end of the school day. (Juvenile Offenders and Victims: 1999 National Report, Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, 1999)

Teen Sex, Pregnancy and Abortion

According to a 1998 USA Today article on male teens’ responsibility in teen pregnancies:4

• Teen-age boys begin having sex at an earlier age than girls do. They typically have more sexual partners. Although most boys have had sex by their 17th birthday, they use condoms inconsistently at

best.

•  About I million teen-age girls become pregnant every year. More than half of them have babies. This is a $6.9 billion public health problem.

•  Percentage of teen-age boys who have had sex: Age 15 Age 16 Age 17 Age 18 Age 19

27% 45% 59% 68% 85%

Number of partners in the past year:

•  0 partners 10%

•  1 partner 44%

•  2 partners 26%

•  3-4 partners 14%

•  5 or more partners 6%

Condom use in the past year:

•  Inconsistent or no use: 56%

•  Consistent use: 44%

Pregnancy and birth — all male teens:

• 14% fathered a child

The National Center for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health Promotion says that:5

•  The United States has the highest teenage pregnancy rate of all developed countries.

•  Out of about I million teenagers who become pregnant each year, 95 percent of those pregnancies are unintended and almost one third end in abortions.

According to an article about teens published in the May 2000 issue of Newsweek:6

• In 1997,48 percent of high school students had had sexual intercourse.

Teen Drug And Alcohol Abuse

According to research on teen alcohol and drug usage done by the National Council on Alcohol and Drug Dependence (NCADD):7

• 80 percent of high school seniors have used alcohol, 50 percent have used marijuana and 10 percent have used cocaine (NBIDA, 1999 “Monitoring the Future Study, Secondary School Students”).

•  First use of alcohol typically begins around age 13; marijuana around age 14 (NIDA, “Drug Use Among Racial/Ethnic Minorities,” 1995, p. 31).

•  Among teenagers who binge drink, 39 percent say they drink alone, 58 percent drink when they are upset, 30 percent drink when they are bored and 37 percent drink to feel high (OIG, HHS, “Drinking Habits, etc.”).

•  Approximately 9 percent of the nation's eighth graders, 22 percent of tenth graders and 33 percent of twelfth graders have been drunk during the last month; 12 percent, 22 percent and 26 percent respectively, have used an illicit drug (NIDA, 1999 Monitoring the Future Study, Secondary Students).

•  In 1995, 21.5 percent (262, 112) of the clients admitted to alcohol or other drug treatment programs were under age 24, including 18, 194 under age 15 (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, National Admissions to Substance Abuse Treatment Services, Advance Report No. 12, 2/97, p. 30).

•  Researchers estimate that alcohol use is implicated in one- to two-thirds of sexual assault and acquaintance or “date” rape cases among teens and college students (OIG, HHS, “Youth and Alcohol: Dangerous and Deadly Consequences,” Washington, DC, 4/92).

•  80 percent of teenagers don't know that a 12 oz. can of beer has the same amount of alcohol as a shot of whiskey; similarly, 55 percent don't know that a 5 oz. glass of wine and a 12 oz. can of beer have the same amount of alcohol (OIG, HHS, “Drinking Habits, etc.”).

•  30 percent of children in grades four through six report that they have received “a lot” of pressure from their classmates to drink beer, 31 percent to try marijuana and 34 percent to try cigarettes (The Weekly Reader National Survey on Drugs and Alcohol, Middletown, CT, Field Publications, Spring 1995).

•  A survey of high school students found that 18 percent of females and 39 percent of males say it is acceptable for a boy to force sex if the girl is stoned or drunk (OIG, HHS, “Dangerous and Deadly Consequences”).

•  Teenagers whose parents talk to them regularly about the dangers of drugs are 42 percent less likely to use drugs than those whose parents don't, yet only 1 in 4 teens reports having these conversations (Partnership for a Drug-Free America news release, 4/26/99).

The National Institute on Drug Abuse's (NIDA) 25th annual Monitoring the Future (MTF) study shows that:8

•  The percentage of 12th graders who had ever used the club-drug ecstasy increased from 5.8 in 1998 to 8.0 in 1999; the percentage who had used ecstasy in the past year increased from 3.6 in 1998 to 5.6 in 1999; the percentage of 12th graders using ecstasy at least once in the past month prior to being surveyed increased from 1.5 in 1998 to 2.5 in 1999.

•  The percentage of 10th graders who had been drunk in the past year rose from 38.3 in 1998 to 40.9 in 1999.

•  The percentage of 8th graders having five or more drinks during the two weeks prior to being surveyed increased from 13.7 in 1998 to 15.2 in 1999.

•  Among the graduating class of 1999, 54.7 percent of students had used an illicit drug by the time they reached 12th grade.

•  Use of any illicit drug in the past year by 12th graders increased from 41.4 percent in 1998 to 42.1 percent in 1999.

Lifetime Prevalence of Drug Abuse, 1999: Monitoring

the Future Study

8th-Graders 10th-Graders 12th-Graders

Marijuana 22.2% 40.9% 49.7%

Cocaine 4.7 7.7 9.8

Inhalants 19.7 17.0 15.4

LSD 4.1 8.5 12.2

Heroin 2.3 2.3 2.0

Alcohol 52.1 70.6 80.0

The 1998 National Household Survey on Drug Abuse conducted by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) states that:9

•  9.9 percent of youths ages 12-17 reported current use of illicit drugs in 1998.

•  8.3 percent of youths ages 12-17 were current users of marijuana in 1998.

•  An estimated 1.8 million (0.8 percent) Americans age 12 and older were current users of cocaine in 1998.

•  An estimated 1.1 million youths ages 12-17 met diagnostic criteria for dependence on illicit drugs in 1997 and 1998.

•  56 percent of youths ages 12-17 reported marijuana

was easy to obtain in 1998; 21 percent said it was easy to obtain heroin; 14 percent of youths reported being approached by someone selling drugs during the thirty days prior to the interview done in conducting this survey.

• 10.5 million current drinkers were ages 12-20 in 1998. Of this group, 5.1 million engaged in binge drinking, including 2.3 million who would also be classified as heavy drinkers.

Columbia University College of Physicians & Surgeons Complete Home Medical Guide says:10

In the United States, drug use by teenagers follows a clear-cut sequence.

1.   Beer and wine are the initial drugs used by teens.

2.   Tobacco and hard liquor are used after introduction to beer and wine.

3.   Marijuana is tried, often together with alcohol.

4.   Illicit drugs such as psychedelics or heroin may be used after or in conjunction with marijuana.

This sequence does not indicate that all teenagers inevitably experience all of these steps. Use of beer or marijuana does not always lead to use of other drugs such as psychedelics, heroin or cocaine.

Teenagers are primarily influenced by their parents and their peers through:

•  Cigarette smoking: Almost exclusively determined by peer pressure, although parents who smoke increase the chances of children smoking.

•  Hard liquor use: Drinking patterns are often learned from parents.

•  Marijuana use: Usually initiated through friends and peers.

•  Illicit drug use: Usually associated with poor relationships with parents, exposure to parents and peers who misuse drugs and by depression or psychological distress.

Teen Suicide

The Surgeon General's Call To Action To Prevent Suicide report states that:11

•  Between 1952 and 1996, the reported rates of suicide among adolescents and young adults nearly tripled.

•  From 1980 to 1996, the rate of suicide among

persons ages 15-19 years increased by 14 percent and among persons ages 10-14 years by 100 percent.

•  Among persons ages 15-19 years, firearms-related suicides accounted for 96 percent of the increase in the rate of suicide since 1980.

•  For young people 15-24 years old, suicide is currently the third leading cause of death, exceeded only by unintentional injury and homicide.

•  More teenagers and young adults die from suicide than from cancer, heart disease, AIDS, birth defects, stroke, pneumonia, influenza and chronic lung disease combined.

•  Suicide is currently the fourth leading cause of death among children between the ages of 10 and 14 years.

According to an article about teens published in the May 8, 2000, issue of Newsweek:12

•  Anxiety disorders are the most pervasive psychiatric problems in teens.

•  13 percent of children between 9 and 17 suffer conditions ranging from chronic worrying to severe social phobia. The big concern with this is suicide, which is highly associated with depression.

•  The rate of suicide was three times higher among males in the 1990s than it was in the early 1960s.

•  Every year, one in 13 high-school students attempts suicide.

•  Girls try to kill themselves more often than boys, but boys succeed far more frequently.

Teen Eating Disorders

In an article about teens published in Time magazine in 1998:13

•  2 million Americans — most of them women and girls — suffer from eating disorders. In the most extreme cases they literally starve themselves to death. Those who survive are at greater risk of developing brittle bones, life-threatening infections, kidney damage and heart problems.

•  Approximately 1 in 150 teenage girls in the U.S. falls prey to anorexia nervosa, which can be defined as the refusal to eat enough to maintain even a minimal body weight.

•  Anorexia has been diagnosed in girls as young as 8 years old.

According to the May 8, 2000, Newsweek article about teens:14

•  More than half of all teen girls say they are or should be on a diet. They incessantly battle the 40 pounds they naturally gain as they grow between the ages of 8 and 14.

•  About 3 percent of girls take it to the extreme, spiraling into bulimia or anorexia.

•  There are no precise numbers, but researchers say eating disorders appear to be on the rise, affecting children as young as 8 years old.

•  While far more common in girls, boys are also vulnerable.

•  Boys have their own obsession: the muscular look.

•  Creatine, an amino acid supplement used by athletes to build muscle power, is the latest “hot new thing” among teen boys. Most assume that it is harmless, but its safety has not undergone long-term testing.

Close the “Gap”

Having read these statistics, are you beginning to realize that the problems among teenagers are concurrent with problems in our society such as the

rising divorce rate in the world today, the increased level of stress, advertising that has no moral guidelines, greed, and movies and television programs that are filled with violence, profanity, nudity and humanism?

There is a saying in the computer industry, “Garbage in, garbage out.” If we adults are feeding our young people garbage, how can we expect to get anything else out of them? We are supposed to be their teachers, leaders, heroes and examples.

I realize that some teenagers will get into trouble even if they have almost perfect parents and an excellent atmosphere in which to grow up. But I also realize that adults must take some responsibility and make some changes.

Remember, we are told in God's Word, Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. It is not uncommon for children who have been taught right to go astray or, so to speak, “sow some wild oats” for a period of time. But usually children with a proper home life and consistent godly training from their leaders will not get into the kind of trouble represented by the statistics we have just seen.

As tragic as such facts are, notice one of those statistics states that parents who consistently talk with their teens about the problems with drugs experience a higher percentage of fewer negative

incidences among their teens. It seems likely that parents who discuss the problems of alcohol and other wrong behavior with their teens will also experience similar results.

Am I saying that teens have no responsibility for their lives and that all their bad behavior is someone else's fault? No! Emphatically no! We must all eventually take responsibility for our own choices. I certainly lived in a less than desirable atmosphere while growing up, but I eventually took responsibility for my life and made changes that have led me into a fruitful, successful lifestyle.

I am saying that I am tired of watching adults act as though teenagers are not even people, especially the ones who seem to be rebellious or different from the so-called norm. The way many teens act is a cry for help. They are saying, “Somebody please notice me.” They are crying out for love and acceptance, not judgment and rejection.

My hope is that this book will bring the teenage population and the adult population together in love and shared caring for and about one another. “The generation gap” is a commonly used term today. Why must there be a “gap” between us and our children? Can't we humble ourselves to learn about one another?

I have decided to learn more about teens, what their needs are, how I can help them, how I can be their

friend and offer them acceptance and unconditional love. God is changing my heart and my attitude. I pray that you will ask Him to do the same for you. I believe we will reap what we sow; it is a spiritual law and always works. If we sow mercy, we will reap mercy. If we sow judgment, we will reap what we have sown. Surely if we will begin to sow love, acceptance, understanding and a positive attitude, we will begin to reap the same from those whose lives we sow into.

Yes, teenagers are people too! They are not some other breed or species.

It took me until the year when I was working on this book to realize that my younger son will probably never show up at work in a three-piece suit with his hair parted on the side and neatly styled like his dad wears his.

I have decided that the baggy pants and new clothes that look worn out when purchased by today's teenagers are no worse than the style of casual clothes my generation wore when we were growing up in the 1950s. Before we adults judge our teens, we had better take a closer look at some of the things we did when we were their age.

Let's make a decision to breed respect in teens by showing them respect. Let's honor them. If we will do so, I believe they will honor us. Let's be for them, believe in them, give them opportunities to become

an important part of our society.

Yes, we do have some serious problems today, but I know my God. If we will do our part, He will get involved and do His.

Our Kids Need God Today

The answer to “What is wrong with these kids today?” is: Our young people need God today. When prayer was allowed in our classrooms and the Ten Commandments were on the walls of our schools, children at least had something to direct them, even if they were not being properly directed at home.

Since prayer, in 1962, and the Ten Commandments, in 1980, were removed from schools, and people began to fall away from God, prayer and the teachings of the Bible, there has been a gradual lowering of moral standards until the problems in society have reached today's magnitude as seen in the statistics in this chapter.

According to the 1995 National Household Survey (NHS) on Drug Abuse, between 1964 and 1994 drug and alcohol abuse by American adolescents (ages 12– 17) increased drastically.15 First-time abusers of marijuana, cocaine, inhalants, hallucinogens and alcohol increased by 1,600 percent, 820 percent, 11, 100 percent, 2,000 percent and 277 percent, respectively.

A 1996 article in U.S. News stated that homicide by youths under 17 tripled between 1984 and 1994.16 The disregard for life and lack of other values very likely result from the years of no longer acknowledging God in the schools. The same article quotes the president of a national juvenile judges’ group, Judge David Grossmann of Cincinnati, as saying, “Gangs have become the alternative to a nurturing family.”17

We live in a society that was built on the foundation of God's Word. That foundation cannot be removed without creating a catastrophe. That is exactly what we have done.

We need God back in society, in every home, acting as the glue that holds marriages and families together. We need God in our lives today, and it has not been the teens who have removed Him. We must take responsibility for being passive and doing nothing while our homes and our society are being destroyed.

Legislature will not solve our problems. Neither will marching or demonstrating. Complaining certainly won't, nor will passivity or simply doing more of what we have been doing. We need a change!

We need to aggressively do whatever we can do for our teenagers, who will be the next generation to lead society. What can we do? As previously

mentioned, we need to love them. And we need to give them hope. We need to let them know they have a wonderful future ahead of them if they will learn how to exercise their free will to make right choices.

We also need to pray.18 As we do, God will move, we will see the restoration of what we have lost and begin to have peace, unity, love, joy, hope and all the other things we truly need in this life — especially in our relationship with our teenagers!